Sexual Anxiety

Hello dears, it has been awhile since I posted. Will try and post more often, (I know I say this a lot but this time I will try and do so).

Today I would like us to take a more serious tone and discuss on Sexual Anxiety. Let me start off by stating that I AM NOT A PSYCHIATRIST. That said, from a lot of discussions I have had with my friends, both male and female, it is quite clear that a lot of people suffer from this without knowing. And this is exactly what Sexual enhancer sellers capitalize on. How do they do that you ask? Well ask yourself this, what do the most popular aphrodisiacs do? You guessed it, they help to LUBRICATE. And guess what one of the major side effects of sexual anxiety in women is? ............... DRUM ROLL……….. DRYNESS. See where I am going with this?! Most of the time, your dryness as a woman is more emotional than physical, MOST not ALL.

SELF-IMAGE. You know all those motivational speakers that say you attract what you project? Well listen to them. Have you ever asked yourself why a man will have a beautiful woman as a wife/girlfriend but will go out and cheat with an “ugly” woman? It isn’t enough for people to tell you that you are beautiful, YOU have to believe that you are and know that you are no matter what anyone thinks.

What you think of yourself is exactly what you project, if you think you aren’t up to a task, you’ll most likely fail at it. This is not to say that you should also lie to yourself about what you can or cannot do. The idea is for you to recognise your strengths and weakness. When you are able to isolate what you can and what you cannot do, you will be able to know your potential.

CONFIDENCE. You see this right here, is the sexiest thing of them all. No nyansh or breast can beat this. You may be doing or saying nonsense but HOW you go about it is what will ultimately win it for you. This can be projected in how you walk, talk, dress etc. There is no universally accepted standard for what a sexy woman’s body should be like. There are certain cultures that fatten their women up because that is what their men are attracted to, while other cultures go for lekpa. Some prefer short, almost dwarf like women while some go far women far taller than they are. When we tell ourselves that there is a just one image of what is sexy we will never be able to appreciate ourselves if we don’t meet that standard.

 When your mind is preoccupied with such questions as; Do I look good, Can I satisfy him, Is this what he wants, Has he seen someone better looking than me, Were his exes better at this than me, am I wet enough etc., you make it hard for yourself to be in the moment. At the same time you have completely forgotten about yourself. What about your own needs? Remember, sex is for both of you not just him. It’s easier for some to concentrate more on their own needs than others. Your own needs are important as well. You need to communicate what it is you want from your partner, tell or show.

There are some that start out with confidence then loose it further down the road. This could be due to child birth, weight gain, health issues etc. Childbirth has been known to make a woman lose confidence in herself. You used to be the beautiful thing that could turn heads everywhere you went, then all of a sudden you are a mum. This sudden change leaves a lot of women confused and sad. One moment you were Choco Sexy Halima, next you are Maman Hafiz. How? When? Confusion and denial set it. All of a sudden you don’t know who you are anymore. No one prepared you for this. In the middle of a heated sex session with oga that took you weeks to lockdown, from nowhere you start squirting breast milk left right and centre. HEY GOD! Next thing Baby Hafiz starts screaming his lungs out, you have to feed him. You the feed baby, he finally goes to sleep, and you rush back to oga. Oga has lost his erection, you have dried up. KASALA. This goes on for months till you both don’t bother much like you used to because BABY COMES FIRST. Sex has suddenly become something that you have to make an appointment for, an appointment that almost always gets shifted. It becomes a chore.

Now add to this a few older children at different ages with different demands at different hours, the hormones rushing in you, and the visible change your body has suffered. From dawn till dusk, you are on your feet slaving away, being at your kids and husbands beck and call. You hardly if ever have time to take care of yourself or sleep anymore. You’re exhausted and irritable. And if you’re unfortunate, you have an inconsiderate man as a husband. No encouragement, no help, no empathy etc., not even factoring in your day job if you have one. You will lose your gaddamn mind. This is when some women start drinking and taking drugs. Some take it out on the innocent children, while some seek validation and attention outside of their home while some contemplate or commit suicide. It varies.

Our culture now sees this as being “ungrateful” or simply “being a bad mum or wife”. Haba jama’a. No one to talk to, no one understands, everyone tells you “oh, that’s marriage, that’s motherhood”. LIES. LIES. LIES. That is not marriage and that is not motherhood. You are tired, confused and sad and you need to rest.

With all these and more going on in your life, do you think you can focus your thoughts on physical pleasure and have enough confidence? Chugging down all the kayan mata on earth is not going to solve your dryness if your mind and heart aren’t in it. You need a healthy mind and body to be able to enjoy sex fully.

A lot of women go through this. You aren’t alone. Whatever the reason for your sexual anxiety, it is something you can work through as long as you can isolate the cause and are willing to help yourself. If it is weight gain, try and find a weight loss program that works for you, if it is your health, see a gynaecologist and eat healthy, if it is emotional, see a psychiatrist.

Sometimes it could simply be you are clueless on what to do. In this case you have to keep in mind that we all learn as we grow. You can learn what to do no matter how clueless you are.

COMMUNICATION. The topic of sex is rapidly becoming less of a taboo and more of a necessity. Wherever you look, people are talking about it. In schools we are gradually having Sex education, spiritual leaders are talking about it more, parents discuss it with their kids, and partners talk about it. There are so many YouTube channels that teach what to do in and out of bed sexually.

Ultimately, everything boils down to what you think of yourself, confidence and communication. You have to love yourself, you have to take care of yourself, and you are your first priority. When you are happy, you radiate happiness and you have a better chance if thinking straight and doing things right. The confidence is the “ginger” you need to carry yourself and your head high and have that CAN DO attitude. Then the communication is needed when you need insight and when you need to voice out your wants, needs, fears etc.