Sexual Anxiety

Hello dears, it has been awhile since I posted. Will try and post more often, (I know I say this a lot but this time I will try and do so).

Today I would like us to take a more serious tone and discuss on Sexual Anxiety. Let me start off by stating that I AM NOT A PSYCHIATRIST. That said, from a lot of discussions I have had with my friends, both male and female, it is quite clear that a lot of people suffer from this without knowing. And this is exactly what Sexual enhancer sellers capitalize on. How do they do that you ask? Well ask yourself this, what do the most popular aphrodisiacs do? You guessed it, they help to LUBRICATE. And guess what one of the major side effects of sexual anxiety in women is? ............... DRUM ROLL……….. DRYNESS. See where I am going with this?! Most of the time, your dryness as a woman is more emotional than physical, MOST not ALL.

SELF-IMAGE. You know all those motivational speakers that say you attract what you project? Well listen to them. Have you ever asked yourself why a man will have a beautiful woman as a wife/girlfriend but will go out and cheat with an “ugly” woman? It isn’t enough for people to tell you that you are beautiful, YOU have to believe that you are and know that you are no matter what anyone thinks.

What you think of yourself is exactly what you project, if you think you aren’t up to a task, you’ll most likely fail at it. This is not to say that you should also lie to yourself about what you can or cannot do. The idea is for you to recognise your strengths and weakness. When you are able to isolate what you can and what you cannot do, you will be able to know your potential.

CONFIDENCE. You see this right here, is the sexiest thing of them all. No nyansh or breast can beat this. You may be doing or saying nonsense but HOW you go about it is what will ultimately win it for you. This can be projected in how you walk, talk, dress etc. There is no universally accepted standard for what a sexy woman’s body should be like. There are certain cultures that fatten their women up because that is what their men are attracted to, while other cultures go for lekpa. Some prefer short, almost dwarf like women while some go far women far taller than they are. When we tell ourselves that there is a just one image of what is sexy we will never be able to appreciate ourselves if we don’t meet that standard.

 When your mind is preoccupied with such questions as; Do I look good, Can I satisfy him, Is this what he wants, Has he seen someone better looking than me, Were his exes better at this than me, am I wet enough etc., you make it hard for yourself to be in the moment. At the same time you have completely forgotten about yourself. What about your own needs? Remember, sex is for both of you not just him. It’s easier for some to concentrate more on their own needs than others. Your own needs are important as well. You need to communicate what it is you want from your partner, tell or show.

There are some that start out with confidence then loose it further down the road. This could be due to child birth, weight gain, health issues etc. Childbirth has been known to make a woman lose confidence in herself. You used to be the beautiful thing that could turn heads everywhere you went, then all of a sudden you are a mum. This sudden change leaves a lot of women confused and sad. One moment you were Choco Sexy Halima, next you are Maman Hafiz. How? When? Confusion and denial set it. All of a sudden you don’t know who you are anymore. No one prepared you for this. In the middle of a heated sex session with oga that took you weeks to lockdown, from nowhere you start squirting breast milk left right and centre. HEY GOD! Next thing Baby Hafiz starts screaming his lungs out, you have to feed him. You the feed baby, he finally goes to sleep, and you rush back to oga. Oga has lost his erection, you have dried up. KASALA. This goes on for months till you both don’t bother much like you used to because BABY COMES FIRST. Sex has suddenly become something that you have to make an appointment for, an appointment that almost always gets shifted. It becomes a chore.

Now add to this a few older children at different ages with different demands at different hours, the hormones rushing in you, and the visible change your body has suffered. From dawn till dusk, you are on your feet slaving away, being at your kids and husbands beck and call. You hardly if ever have time to take care of yourself or sleep anymore. You’re exhausted and irritable. And if you’re unfortunate, you have an inconsiderate man as a husband. No encouragement, no help, no empathy etc., not even factoring in your day job if you have one. You will lose your gaddamn mind. This is when some women start drinking and taking drugs. Some take it out on the innocent children, while some seek validation and attention outside of their home while some contemplate or commit suicide. It varies.

Our culture now sees this as being “ungrateful” or simply “being a bad mum or wife”. Haba jama’a. No one to talk to, no one understands, everyone tells you “oh, that’s marriage, that’s motherhood”. LIES. LIES. LIES. That is not marriage and that is not motherhood. You are tired, confused and sad and you need to rest.

With all these and more going on in your life, do you think you can focus your thoughts on physical pleasure and have enough confidence? Chugging down all the kayan mata on earth is not going to solve your dryness if your mind and heart aren’t in it. You need a healthy mind and body to be able to enjoy sex fully.

A lot of women go through this. You aren’t alone. Whatever the reason for your sexual anxiety, it is something you can work through as long as you can isolate the cause and are willing to help yourself. If it is weight gain, try and find a weight loss program that works for you, if it is your health, see a gynaecologist and eat healthy, if it is emotional, see a psychiatrist.

Sometimes it could simply be you are clueless on what to do. In this case you have to keep in mind that we all learn as we grow. You can learn what to do no matter how clueless you are.

COMMUNICATION. The topic of sex is rapidly becoming less of a taboo and more of a necessity. Wherever you look, people are talking about it. In schools we are gradually having Sex education, spiritual leaders are talking about it more, parents discuss it with their kids, and partners talk about it. There are so many YouTube channels that teach what to do in and out of bed sexually.

Ultimately, everything boils down to what you think of yourself, confidence and communication. You have to love yourself, you have to take care of yourself, and you are your first priority. When you are happy, you radiate happiness and you have a better chance if thinking straight and doing things right. The confidence is the “ginger” you need to carry yourself and your head high and have that CAN DO attitude. Then the communication is needed when you need insight and when you need to voice out your wants, needs, fears etc.

Let's keep it clean.

What inspired this post is my new found love of getting head. ( oral sex, eating the love oyster). Personally, i was not a fan of oral sex, but quite recently, i was made a believer. 🙋🏽. Dear God in heaven. If you find yourself a man that can eat you like his life depends on it, then sister, you are one lucky woman. Chai, Diaris God.

HOWEVER, before you go spreading ya legs and serving your pleasure pit for dessert to your man, ask yourself a few questions. 

How clean are you? Ladies for the love of all things good, that place should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be clean. Biko, using water to clean that place everytime you use the toilet is not just for muslim women abeg. EVERY woman needs to do this. Urine smells, especially when it becomes stale, and im telling you, people can smell it. And apart from the smell it is very unhygienic. You stand a higher chance of infections. 

When was the last time you went to your gaenacologist to have your pleasure pot assessed? Yeast infections, bacterial infections etc. there are so many things that can be wrong down there that is just not healthy and absolutely nasty to be carrying around. Book an appointment with your doctor and have yourself checked. All it takes usually is just a round of antibiotics and some cream that you apply topically into your pleasure pot to clear most of these issues. And also keep in mind that its not just through sex that you could get these issues, poor hygiene and unsanitary practices and toilets are usually the culprits.

How does your pleasure pot smell? Sisters, admit it, there are times where even you are shocked by what you smell down there. However, in some cases this smell is not due to infections, it may actually be from what you eat. Coffee, seafood, artificial sweeteners, garlic, onions etc have been known to make you smell like death down there. Consume these things and other food items with strong smells in moderation.

Sisters SHAVE YOUR PUSSIES. I know some of you will say, "but my man likes it hairy". Toh, that one is between you and him. But gaskiya, a hairy and unclean pussy is just bloody nasty. If you wont shave then take extra time to wash and clean yourself and add some nice smelling oils or perfumes down there. I have had some of my male friends tell me they broke up with many wonderful ladies because of  how nasty their pleasure pots where, and they couldn't tell them to clean up. Hair hides shit. So please please please be extra vigilant when cleaning up.

Your clean up routine should double during your menstrual cycle. Blood has an offensive smell, no matter how fresh it is, not to talk of when it becomes stale. Change your sanitary pads every few hours please as much as possible. Use cotton pads that breathe, for your own safety. Expensive doesn't necessarily mean good when it comes to sanitary pads so please keep that in mind when purchasing.

Now, there are things you can use to help you stay fresh down there. 

One of them is Musk. This is a white oil perfume that has been used for centuries by middle eastern women to keep fresh. After every monthly period, they soak a small wad of cotton with this perfume and insert into the vagina, they leave it for some time then take it out. It is known for its anti fungal properties and very pleasant scent. You can use a tampon or clinical guaze in place of the cotton swab. I personally use guaze. This is a very effective, simple and pocket friendly way of ensuring that you always smell good and your honey pot is safe. An added advantage is that it has tightening effect to the vagina so its a win win.

Another way of staying fresh and clean is adding a few drops of Tea tree oil to water that you use to wash up down there. It has a lovely aroma and its very gentle to the skin. Its natural and quite affordable. The one in the picture is the one i use personality. I got it from a lady on Instagram that sells natural oils. 

You may also consider adding a little salt and a little anticeptic to a basin of warm clean water once in a while and sitting in it for a few minutes. It helps to disinfect the whole area and freshens you up.

I have heard of some dietary supplements that flavour your juices and gives it a pleasant scent. I have not tried any so i will not say anything about what i do not know. But im just telling you what i heard incase one of you ladies is adventurous.

Please please please ladies, keep your pleasue pot clean before you serve these men biko. Eh, not everyone likes fish abeg. 

Alright ladies, this will do for you. I may do a series for the men one of these days. If you guys are interested, leave a comment or send me an email. Bye 👋🏽

A tight Squeeze

Hello my lovelies, i am so sorry I have been away for so long. Thank you to those that sent emails enquiring about me. Some sent emails asking for suppliers but unfortunately before I could hook them up, tragedy struck. I am so sorry. Had to deal with some personal issues but Alhamdu Lillah i am back and ok now. Without wasting time, let's  get back to business. Has your pleasure pot become loose? Does your man lose his erection afte a few minutes because the pit doesn't hug him the way it used to? Then gather around my dears, I have good news to share with you. All is not lost. For your faithful Venus has found more safe tricks to tighten that bitch up. 😉. Let's begin.

1. Bagaruwa (Acacia) this is an herb that has been used for centuries by women to restore some dignity to their pleasure pit. Mainly used by the Northern Nigerian women after childbirth. The seeds are washed thoroughly, crushed and boiled, then you sit in the water like a sits bath for 15-30 minutes or even more if you can. It tightens almost immediately. It's a 100% natural so there are absolutely no side effects.

Bagaruwa (Acacia)

2. Alum (potassium alum) we all know this as what was used in the old days to purify water, especially well water. It serves as a coagulant. Well it's also a natural tighter, especially if you are looking for sharp sharp tightening. That kind shit is going down in a few minutes kind of sharp sharp. Normally a metal keg (Buta) is kept specifically for this purpose, you soak the alum in the keg with adequate water, and use the water to wash up your pleasure pit. Another natural way to tighten up that's safe and free from side effects. You can keep using the alum rock till it finishes.

3. Mai Ayu. Ayu is a fish that when the male is having sex with the female, it sticks the female like chewing gum. (Unverified). The oil extracted from this fish is a tried and tested aphrodisiac that is massaged into the pleasure pit. I have used this personally and believe me, YOUR MAN WILL CRY. As in he will cry like a baby. Some people claim it is a tightner also, however I have never felt this tightening effect. This could be because it lubricates you so so well. But be rest assured he will cry. And worry not, it doesn't smell fishy, infant its almost odorless. It's texture is very silky. Have been using it for over a year and I have never had any side effects. It is quite costly to honest, that's if you can find it. But worth every kobo. Beware of fakes please. Always buy from a trusted person or from a trusted reference.z

Mai Ayu

4. Henna. Not the black one that you all see people using to do bridal designs. But the dried and powdered henna leaves. It is said that if you mix a small amount of the powder with a little water to make a paste, you are to warp it in clean gauze, insert and leave for about 30 minutes then you take it out. I have not tried this personally but I have it on good authority that it works. However I am skeptical about it still. So if you are brave enough to try it, toh, my hand no dey. I'm just letting you guys know what I know. It may help someone.

5. Matsi. This literally translates to "tight". ❌🚫There are thousands of variations out there. So one has to be extra careful. I cannot emphasize this enough, the natural herbal aphrodisiacs are always the best and safest. If you have a funny feeling about any product, please be extra careful. No point doing something on a whim only to regret it for a lifetime.🚫❌

Now, there is one that I have heard of, my personal pesin is the supplier, I have ordered it and will test it soon. It is rumored to gum that sucker up. As in Araldite grade gumming. Virgin tinz. Just a pinch in the pit is enough, 30 minutes before sex. As I have not tried it, I will not bullshit you and tell you wonderful things. I'm just letting you know of it, will get it soon, try it out and get back to you.

Ladies and gents, side chicks and main chicks, mummies and daddies, uncles and aunties, enjoy your sex lives. Sex is not a duty, it is a thing to be enjoyed and also a bonding agent. Relax, let go, have fun, give and take. Stay safe, use a condom, get tested for for HIV, Hepatitis, STDs, STIs etc. spread your legs not diseases Biko. Life is too sweet especially with the gift of coitus, don't go and be killing people with nasty as disease. 

I will be posting something about Hygiene ladies, that place has to be clean, ALWAYS. Absolutely no exceptions. It has to always Always ALWAYS smell and taste good. Biko, it is very unladylike and repulsive when it's not taken care of, walking around smelling like Pepe le Pew (for those that don't know, Pepe le pew is a popular cartoon skunk). Laters.

REQUESTS

If you guys have any questions you can email them to thedelicatearts@gmail.com. That is my email address. I will try to answer as much as i can here on the blog. I will never post your name or email on the blog so your identity is safe with me.

Lets Talk About Sex Toys

       So, my friend K, asked about sex toys. Particularly, how to suggest to a significant other that one is interested in the use of sex toys without offending. So oyinbo man brought 50 shades of grey to your attention, you people are all eager to be sticking stuff into every hole you can find right? Toh, it’s a free world and as always, I do not judge.

       Anyway, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATE, TALK. Once you and your significant other have mastered the art of communication everything else comes easy.

       There are various types of sex toys, other than the advanced ones that people are more aware of. There are edible under wear, feathers for tickling, Ben Wa balls, dildos, nipple rings, penis sleeves, etc. Even flavored condoms and lingerie can be considered as sex toys.

       Assuming you guys communicate well and understand and see each other’s view, you can just say let's do something freaky, suggest a sex toy that he will enjoy, let's say those feathers for tickling, you guys can use it on each other. Play around and enjoy the play. Then after a few days you can suggest another. Don't go and start with the advanced sex toys like Mega dildos and butt plugs, toh, my hand no dey.

       Or better yet, sit him down and watch 50 Shades of Grey together. Make sure when he starts showing her and using the sex toys on her you pass a positive comment or a suggestion. Men are very visual in nature, as he's seeing it there he will be imagining it too. If your man likes to be read to, read the book to him and emphasis on the sexual parts where all the sex toys are used.

       You can go further and ask him what he might like. Spice it up in your own special way. Add personal effects, it makes it more special and intimate. Plus originality is always a good thing. Tie him up and have your way with him, or have him tie you up, while you are wearing the edible under wear, and allow him to eat it (you) up.

Waist beads can be used to entice and play too. Especially on curvy women, the beads lie on the hips seductively and make slight jingling sounds as you move. If you are a good dancer or know how to shake what your mama gave you, these waist beads will make the experience even more seductive.

       Almost anything can be a sex toy if you know how to use it to your advantage. Just free your mind, get your partner on the same page as you are, wash up, smell nice, make the room really comfy and inviting, wear something sexy or your birthday suit and enjoy.<3 <3 <3

      

APHRODISIACS

Aphrodisiacs (Kayan Mata) - Contrary to popular belief, we women are not the only ones that use aphrodisiacs, our Sextners (sex partners) also use them. (I bet you guys thought we didn't know huh). There is no shame in the use of these stuff on both sides, everyone needs a boast now and again, some more than others. It has already become a part of our everyday life and it's quiet essential because it's not every time your sextner is revving to go right at the time you are. We all wish sex came with a "push to start" button but alas. So for now, we will manage with what we have got. 

There are different kinds of aphrodisiacs for different purposes. And there is no guarantee that what works for Maryam will work for Nafisa or Wasila etc, same with you guys. So you can try out different ones and find which one suits you. I will name a few popular ones here and give a brief description. (This is the women version)

GUMBA- sticky sweet and chewy in the mouth, sticky sweet and silky in the pleasure pit. This traditional concoction is made up of tiger nuts (Aya), dabino (dates) and a few other secret ingredients. Idea for the woman that needs a little help in lubricating the pleasure pit. It makes taking in all that manliness a lot easier and more enjoyable. Ideally it is taken at least 30 minutes before the humping begins, to allow your juices to sweeten up. Can be taken as is or mixed with milk or yogurt. (Guys, start investing in dairy products, thank me later)

TSIMI- this is a very concentrated infusion of various fruits and herbs that have been known for centuries to help women in the bedroom department. I won't tell what it's made of however, come on if I do I will be putting a lot of hard working women out of business. It's also generally used for lubrication but some really "special" and "exclusive" ones are guaranteed (tried and trusted) to turn even the most frigid of women into a wilding in the sheets. Think of it as a natural energy drink, Red Bull has nothing on this my good people.

SABULUN MATA- literally translates into women's soap. As the name implies, it's a soap used for tightening the pleasure pit. Ladies, let's be honest, after a 1 or two trips to the labour room a tune up and a little tightening is required for most of us, the old pit just don't cuddle that dick like it used to. Don't fret, SABULUN mata is here for you. Not only for mothers, it's also for the pleasure pot that has seen a bit of mileage and your check engine lights are flashing. Use this to wash down south once or twice a day and see the results, you may look 30 something ish, but down south, sweet and tight 16.

DUTSEN BALA'I- black stone. Hmmmn ................................... Had to take a breather cuz just thinking about this stone takes me on a trip. Now listen up ladies, I ain't gonna say nothing about this stone here, we can't let the guys know all our secrets can we?  Ask around, this stone literally sells itself. Trust me. HINT, ask female aunties, cousins, sisters and friends that just came back from Hajj. I won't say any more on this topic.

VENUS UNLEASHED

I decided to start this blog because I noticed a lot of women especially Hausa women (though this blog is not just for hausa women, even men can learn a lot from it), who feel that sex is just a duty between man and wife, or girlfriend and boyfriend, I don't judge, well I'm here to tell you that you are wrong. Sex is something to be enjoyed. It's not simply a duty. It should be something you look forward to. And it's not only the man that should enjoy or initiate sex. We women enjoy it too, believe it or not. There is no law that states we can not enjoy it as much as men do or initiate it. Infact, most men I have asked say they love it when the woman initiates sex, this is because they know for sure she is horny and ready to go. And trust me, a woman that is horny before you is a treasure, she may be more willing to try new stuff out, no matter how perverted. (Yes we know you have perverted thoughts so drop the act)

I must admit it's not as easy for us women to be turned on as it is for men, but with a little effort we could make it a little easier.

Foreplay is quiet essential, most women would agree that it helps "oil the wheels", "fill the honey pot", etc, before the main deed. It gives us  time to relax and make us more likely to have comfortable and honest sex.

What is honest sex you ask? Well, most of you men may not like to hear this but you guys can be crappy in bed, yes I said CRAPPY, you may think just having a penis and slamming it into us as if you are pounding yam, is enough to satisfy us, HABA, well guess what, IT ISN'T. And most of the time we just don't say anything because you think you know better than us or your little egos will get bruised the moment we show you or tell you "you ain't doing it right", and most women don't have time to deal with your mood swings and bitch fits. So listen to your woman, listen to her body, listen to her heartbeat, listen to her breath, you could learn a lot that could save you from unpleasant sex and in the process you may be suprised at how things will change for you in the bedroom, bathroom, living room kitchen or even in the car. I don't judge.

So as a summary, communication is key to good and enjoyable sex. Peace out. Till my next post.